I Am Better Than Your Kids Read online

  F

  Ryan, age 13

  Hey, Ryan, if someone didn’t really talk to you, how about not taking up 50% of the yearbook page saying so? Actually, this seems like something I would do. I take that back.

  F+

  Cindi, age 9

  It may be hard to tell from this photo, but this beaver is textured with jizzy white lumps:

  It looks like the entire drawing was made using a palette of brown, blue, and bukkake. Although the effect was probably unintentional, the fact that it’s a beaver doesn’t help.

  F

  Cindi, age 9

  You don’t get to be king of the jungle covered in buckets of ejaculate.

  F

  Kimberly, age 12

  This would be great if humans had two eyes of different shapes and sizes on their heads. But they don’t, so it’s not. Too bad you drew this in marker. Oh well, start over.

  F

  Tiana, age 9

  Way to sneak the one thing you know how to draw into a holiday it has nothing to do with.

  F

  Remie, age 12

  Look at that neck! Was Jesus a wrestler? Also, why does Jesus look vaguely intrigued?

  F

  Maria, age 10

  Finding fish in a pond this small is unlikely in a deciduous, broadleaf forest. Did you mean to draw a temperate rain forest, you fucking idiot?

  F-

  Art, age 11

  I don’t think there has ever been a book about a bear confessing his dementia to a psychiatrist, but this would be an awesome start to that book.

  F+

  Kelly, age 15

  Maybe she was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

  F

  Ashley, age 8

  By smearing shit on your art, you’ve basically done my job for me.

  F+

  Kyly, age 4

  “What do you mean I can’t use the hall pass until I finish my art project? Okay, done! But I don’t need the hall pass anymore.”

  F

  Dre, age 4

  There are few things that make me more ashamed of humanity than finger painting with diarrhea.

  F

  Grace, age 7

  Oh really? Is a strawberry the size of a pineapple? No, microbitch, it isn’t. Am I the last person on earth who still gives a shit about what words mean?

  F

  Will, age 6

  Clit-flavored ice cream sounds like a hot mess, and this is coming from a guy whose food pyramid has pussy at the top.

  F

  William, age 5

  A hammer is not a food.

  Monica, age 12

  I don’t know what’s less appetizing: the steaming plates of turds, or Monica’s projectile drool.

  F

  Between teachers who confiscated and threw away most of my artwork, and my uncooperative parents who won’t give up any (they’re not my biggest fans), I’ve only been able to salvage a few pieces from my childhood. Still, they kick balls full-time.

  Maddox, age 11

  Fuck yeah, now that’s a badass car! This car makes bitches moan, and if they don’t, blows them the fuck away with the .50-caliber machine-gun horns. I didn’t draw the dinosaur, or the wheels, or the machine guns, but I pasted the shit out of all three using Microsoft Paint. I did draw the gunfire though, which is rather choice.

  A+

  Maddox, age 13

  What a great invention.

  A+

  Maddox, age 11

  Just a wrestler dropping a wicked elbow bomb on a bull’s back. No big deal.

  A+

  Maddox, age 12

  This is a portrait of my sixth-grade teacher, Mr. Chamberlain. He had a black belt in being an asshole. He confiscated a notebook full of my sketches one time because I was drawing a badass dragon, and he thought it was related to the pencil-and-paper role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons, supposed to be affiliated with satanic worship by dumbass parents and church groups. When I asked for my notebook back after school, he said he’d thrown it away.

  A+

  F-

  Matt and Ian, ages 14 and 15

  Corn, huge chunks of runny tomato, and ham is 50% of what my vomit is comprised of. The other 50% is Tabasco sauce and rum. And yet my vomit never looks this bad.

  F

  Miranda, age 5

  This gave my mouth the opposite of a boner.

  F

  Maddox, age 32

  That’s right, bitch! IT’S MOTHERFUCKING LATTICE-TOP APPLE PIE FROM SCRATCH. I read countless forums and recipes written by women complaining about how hard it is to make the crust:

  “Waaah, the lattice is hard to make, waaah, my arthritis!” Ninety percent of the lattice-top pies you see have strips of crust lazily thrown on top of each other. That’s because your grandma sucks at baking. That’s right, I’m not just better than your kids, I am better than your grandma! I can’t believe how much I rule.

  A+

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost, I would like to thank Marie Valenzuela. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of importance in getting this book done, and 0 being the least, she’d get a billion. She helped with almost every aspect of this book. If it’s in the book, she probably had something to do with it. From color correction and scanning to busting my balls to get it done, she made everything possible. I can’t overstate her importance, or succinctly give her the gratitude she’s due in the pages allotted to me in this book.

  Next is Marie Barr, the genius behind all of the layouts for this project. Every toy, marble, or scrap of paper that you see in this book was carefully selected, arranged and photographed by her. Her studio looked like it was carpet bombed with children by the time she finished this book. Working with her is like hitting the talent lottery. Check her out at: http://mariebarr.com/

  Thanks to Nort Mahoney for tirelessly scanning hundreds of drawings, giving unlimited support and encouragement (the real kind, not the phony shit parents give to kids), and giving the most thorough notes and edits on my manuscript of anyone, next to my actual editor. Nort is a badass and as selfless and giving as people get. Especially when it comes to his unearthly flatulence, which he has in abundance.

  Special thanks to Assistant Designer, and longtime friend, Roger Barr, who helped tirelessly edit the artwork into the layouts for this book. Roger has been creating some of the best video games and writeups of shitty b-movies for over a decade. Check out his awesome site at: http://www.i-mockery.com

  A big thanks to my friend Kevin Creech, who did an incredible job blending artwork into the layouts. Kevin edited a huge chunk of this book and is the fastest and most accurate person I’ve ever seen use Photoshop. The man is a machine. Thanks also to Jack Allison, Don Smith, and Dax Herrera also for doing a kickass job editing artwork into the layouts. I had less than three weeks to edit all the artwork, and couldn’t have done it without them.

  Thanks to all my close friends who helped me pull this through, with contributions from the aforementioned as well as Brian Cooperman, and Cheryl Liebert. They sat up late with me to work on the book on more than one occasion, and I couldn’t have asked for a better crew to work with. Their creativity and endless generosity with their time almost softens my emotionally hardened heart. Thanks to Brian, Nort, Deborah Tarica and Dax Herrera for helping proofread. They tolerated unwieldy 400-page binders to give me notes.

  And speaking of talent, thanks to Robyn Von Swank for her excellent author photo and cover suggestions. Thanks to Darryl Pierce, Matt Parker, Misty Bruce, and Angelo Vildasol for their help in promotion and Facebook administration. Thanks to my great friend and fellow pirate, Leah Tiscione, for her help in reaching out to badasses.

  I was lucky enough to work with my friend and editor from “The Alphabet of Manliness,” Jeremie Ruby-Strauss. He pulled double duty this time as my agent and editor when he wasn’t busy slaying fools with his wit. The guy still just gets it. He has the rare ability to persuade peopl
e, and the even rarer ability to be persuaded. Talent of his caliber is rare in not just publishing, but any industry.

  Thanks to Ashly Kersch, Alex and Diego Aguirre, Jonathan and Amanda Joyce, Nicki Diamond, Alice Huguet, Jess Valenzuela, Harrison Brown, Gwen Uszuko and Jason Hedrich for their contributions, friendship, and support.

  And a BIG FUCKING THANK YOU TO ME for paging this entire book by myself. Yes, in a publishing first for me (and possibly the publisher), I did triple duty by editing the layouts and formatting the entire book for print—in addition to writing it. If I don’t give myself credit here, nobody else will. Hats off to you, Maddox. You really pulled through on this one. And you are good looking.

  And thanks to Danny Kilpatrick and everyone else who submitted to me online. Your artwork was terrible. Without your children’s lack of talent, this book wouldn’t be possible. Thank you, and get better.

  And finally, no thanks to Austin Blank who helped with absolutely nothing.

  *Still do.

  *My first spoken language was Armenian, so everyone who’s been emailing me for years saying, “Don’t make fun of my English, I’m not a native speaker” can kiss my dick.

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