I Am Better Than Your Kids Read online

  F

  Marco, age 7

  F

  Unfortunately this was the only submission in this category, but it’s happy accidents like this that make me a believer. A drawing of a black bear humping a lion is great, but the fact that it came from the hands of a child gives it a tinge of impropriety that elevates it to something more: art.

  Jake, age 7

  Yes! Your mom is awesome and I would marry her if marriage wasn’t a false institution created in the Middle Ages to ensure treaties between monarchs.

  F+

  Fred, age 10

  “Thank you for coming in for your fourth interview, Fred. This was a tough decision, but the board members here at IBM decided to hire you over the other applicants; the thing that set you apart was this drawing you made in fourth grade. When others simply drew a turkey, or a state, or a pilgrim, you drew all three. Welcome aboard, Fred! We hope you’ll bring the same initiative and vision to business computing that you did with your turkey drawing!”

  F

  Maria, age 9

  Everybody knows the hottest spring break destination in the world: China! When you travel to the country, the customs officer asks you a series of questions. Here’s how that conversation would go:

  Customs: “Reason for visiting China?”

  Maria: “Chinese food, action movies, plus rock bans.

  China is nice, fun, cool and bright.” Customs: “Go right ahead, ma’am. Enjoy your stay.”

  F

  Mark, age 10

  “All right, who’s the wise guy who threw the bloody heart at me? The snowball fight is over unless one of you steps forward.”

  F

  Alan, age 7

  What girl wouldn’t love this drawing of you, Alan? Those sharp teeth are romantic! And those dead eyes simultaneously say, “I love you” and “braaaains.”

  F

  Joanne, age 5

  Birthdays aren’t holidays. No one’s birthday is, unless you’re a president, and even then, you had to free a ton of slaves. And even then, your birthday gets combined with Washington’s birthday—and he planted apple trees all across America with his giant blue ox. What did you do?

  F

  Andy, age 10

  You are thankful for your dead hamster? Was it giving you problems? A friend gave me a Betta fish for a birthday gift a while ago, which wasn’t a gift so much as a burden. When it accidentally fell in my toilet and I accidentally flushed twice, I was relieved, so this is somewhat relatable.

  F+

  Jon, age 7

  One recent double-blind study conducted by thirty-five Ivy League universities found that 100% of people suffocating have had their conditions worsen when ropes were introduced around their necks.

  F

  Jake, age 7

  This exchange is riveting! Will he say no? Will he say yes? Oh . . . the answer is yes. Whew. Glad I read that.

  F

  Nicole, age 7

  Wow, smug! Get over yourself already.

  F

  Christian, age 5

  No it isn’t.

  F

  Pete, age 5

  How are you this bad at everything? Spelling, writing, drawing basic shapes, grammar, and coloring inside the lines. All of it sucks.

  F-

  Paige, age 5

  On my most recent book tour, I signed someone’s face with my crotch, and my signature was significantly more legible than this, Paige.

  F

  Bryon, age 6

  Let’s see . . . oh this is nice, it’s a nice family picture. Know what? I’ll just go ahead and label them . . .

  F

  Holly, age 4

  Reported.

  F

  Amy, age 5

  You love your mom because dog? What the fuck are you saying, man? You got a horse foot?

  F

  Christian, age 5

  Saying that you like your mom because she buys you things is a level of honesty that makes me want to stop littering for a while. I’m even going to overlook the fact that you called your mom a “he.”

  F+

  Emily, age 5

  Look, Emily, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: your entire family is retarded. Everyone. Even the sun, by proximity.

  F

  Brittany, age 4

  Your family consists of your mom, your sister, you, and two floating heads. Why did you bother to turn this in?

  F

  Dwayne, age 4

  Everyone in your family holds an apple and has a penis?

  F

  Zack, age 4

  Your family is not this tall. Fuck you, liar.

  F

  Vicki, age 4

  What does it mean to “go to the sex” with your mom? Terrifying.

  F

  Nicole, age 4

  Apparently you and your mom have the ability to levitate above ground. And the tree? Sure, fuck it! Make that levitate too! Why not? Because the rules of physics don’t matter anymore. Nothing matters to Nicole!

  F

  Nadi, age 5

  What’s mind-boggling about this is that Nadi drew every person in her family as almost identical, labeled herself on the left, and then decided that for some reason the nearly identical one on the right more accurately represented her. So she crossed out the original and relabeled herself on the right instead.

  F

  Matty, age 5

  Your mom is teetering dangerously in a giant chair and all you can think about is your pancakes. You are a hateful child.

  F

  Jared, age 4

  You were assigned to write a story about your family. You wrote the alphabet. Not only is the alphabet not a story, but you wrote the sequence wrong.

  F

  Ashley, age 6

  You know when you see a homeless person walking around wearing fishnet stockings, a wig, and some random sporting equipment, and you start to smirk before you realize he’s mentally handicapped and you’re an asshole? This drawing personifies that feeling. At first you see the parents, ages thirty-seven and twelve, wearing heels and you start to smirk. Then you realize the girl who drew it has a unibrow and stumps for feet, and you feel like a dick. Emphasis on you, and not me, since looking at a couple thousand of these hardens you, and you stop feeling anything at all.

  F

  It doesn’t take much to make a kid laugh. In fact, kids are constantly laughing and telling each other jokes all the time. Kids think they’re super fucking funny, and adults who have shit to do learn to tune them out. But if you ever take the time to listen to what kids are laughing about, you’ll hear some of the following “jokes.”

  Pam, age 10

  I told this joke to a hot brunette in a bar one night, and she thought it was so funny she gave me her number and told me to call her anytime I wanted her to gobble my meat wrench. She used those exact words.

  F

  Violet, age 11

  This is why kids get thrown out windows sometimes.

  F

  Marc, age 8

  EXT. YARD—DAY

  FRANKENSTEIN, PRINCESS, and DRACULA are standing around on a field that looks like it’s made of miniature pine trees.

  FRANKENSTEIN:

  Grr,

  Grr.

  PRINCESS:

  Kiss,

  Kiss,

  Kiss.

  DRACULA:

  I von to suck your blood.

  WITCH joins the fray.

  WITCH:

  Trick or treat, smell my feet!

  Ha ha ha.

  Seems like a good Michael Bay vehicle if it were dumbed down a bit.

  F

  Lara, age 10

  This not only isn’t a joke, it’s not even a story, or a sentence. It’s not even what most people would consider a thought.

  F+

  Charlene, age 7

  Saying “ha ha” to the joke, “Who’s there? School today” is like saying “thank you” to diarrhea.

  F
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br />   John, age 7

  I have some bad news for you, John. Houses have already been invented. So have pools.

  F

  Mara, age 8

  The first thing this robot would eat would be itself.

  F

  Chad, age 8

  Cool invention, bro. Except I have a better one:

  F

  Maddox, age 32

  I call it the “waste bin.” It helps keep the world clean, it’s emission free, and uses zero energy.

  A+

  Tim, age 7

  Apparently the odor emitted by gum on sidewalks is significant enough not only to depict with stink lines, but to invent a cleaning robot so people can breathe freely. I’m not sure when the smell of gum became a significant source of pollutants in the atmosphere, but it sounds like a problem I can live with.

  F

  Lyle, age 7

  Looks like you invented a machine that adds extra steps to the “pick up garbage and throw it away” method of cleaning. The arrow pointing to “the sucker” in this drawing should be pointing to your parents.

  F

  Sean, age 8

  A giant “cleaning” robot with soap-laser beams, broom arms, and dust-cleaner eyes? Good job, I’ll take two.

  F+

  Cole, age 8

  I understand the concept of cleaning with water, but soup is a cleaning agent that I think 100% of people can agree is a bad choice.

  F

  Clark, age 9

  The thing about brushing teeth is that it requires only one invention: a toothbrush.

  F

  Samuel, age 6

  Samuel was asked to draw the solution to the Arab/Israeli conflict. This is what he drew: an airboat armed with penguin missiles and camouflaged in Rastafari colors. Airboats are meant to go on marshy swamps and shallow water. So in other words, neither Palestine nor Israel. Though if this were a metaphor for the mire that the peace process is stuck in, this drawing is borderline brilliant. But it’s not, so,

  F.

  Garrik, age 7

  Did you bother to think about what evolutionary purpose having two mouths would serve? There’s a reason there aren’t any creatures on earth with two mouths, and you won’t find any in space either.

  F

  Ethan, age 7

  Next time you draw the Statue of Liberty, try not to make her look so conniving. She’s holding the torch, not trying to sneak off with it, traitor.

  F

  Melissa, age 15

  “What’s up, Candy-house? ’Sup, black sun? Who me? I’m just the coolest fucking tree in the universe. I’m just going to sit here and chill, cool as fuck.” I’d buy this tree a beer if he didn’t already get his drinks comp’d at every bar in the city. He picks karaoke songs that bring the house down every time. He wears weird plaid shirts and clashing patterns, but rather than sticking out, he just looks cooler and sets new trends. He drinks a gin and tonic with two limes and doesn’t give a fuck if that was your drink in college. It’s his drink now, you dig?

  F

  Jennie, age 14

  If I got this transformer for Christmas, I’d find Jennie a foster home.

  F

  Colleen, age 15

  The assignment was to draw your mom. You drew a boner-inducing hot secretary. Wrong.

  F

  Nate, age 15

  “What do you mean the kids at school still bully you? Did you ask them to stop? You did? Well did you try saying please?” How’s that polite thing working out for you, Nate? I was never a bully in school, but you’re so dorky that even I want to slap you in your nerd mouth.

  F

  Amalia, age 15

  The thought of President Martin Van Buren being a flamboyant clown in an alternate universe makes me happy.

  F+

  Lillia, age 3

  Ever turn around anxiously to see if anyone else saw what you just saw, because nobody is going to believe it? This drawing of a dog is the kind of happy accident that personifies that feeling.

  F+

  Ricky, age 7

  When you draw a car that looks this phallic, being a five-year-old child affords you certain privileges that adults wouldn’t get. For example, people might give you the benefit of the doubt and think it wasn’t your intention. But when you write the word “intention” above your car, and draw a giant spiky dong on one end of it, you can’t play the innocence card anymore.

  F

  Joscar, age 7

  “Number 9, please put your tiny dick away.”

  F

  Piper, age 9

  The line between kung fu and fellatio is not thin. In fact, it’s about as thick as lines get. Any time you find your art blurring that line, you’re fucking up.

  F

  Dom, age 7

  I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting: the machine that eats people, the hook penis on the alien, or the fact that fast-food dollar menus have spared people like you from natural selection.

  F

  Abraham, age 5

  If your dog ever gets uppity and starts wearing a top hat, show him who’s master by balancing on his back with your obscenely large penis.

  F+

  Mikel, age 8

  In the future, we’ll all have our own personal robots to handle the laborious chore of carrying our cocks.

  F

  Cameron, age 7

  Finally, a superhero whose power rivals my own. Next time, do a better job erasing.

  F+

  Laurence, age 10

  “The good news is, we got a permit to construct the world’s largest cookie. The bad news is, we can only use dildos.”

  F

  Alan, age 4

  Are you fucking with me?

  F

  Trinity, age 10

  On this piece, the paper had a slit in the back for this ostrich neck to slide up and down. A dick joke here would be like fishing with dynamite, which is of course my preferred method. Dynamite is such a versatile hunting tool, and speaking of tools, how much does that ostrich neck look like a penis?

  Answer: very

  F

  Bryce, age 8

  Your hero is a teddy bear with one eye pulled out that you keep on a pink bed? I feel like this is the beginning of an urban legend. Here’s a spoiler, Bryce: you’re going to have one of your hands replaced with a hook someday. You will come across a parked car, and just when you go to open the door, the car will speed away, tearing the hook from your arm.

  F

  Kenny, age 7

  Saperman: superhero by day, mild-mannered bowling ball by night.

  F

  Katy, age 6

  Well, he is the Son of God, and he did turn water into wine, so I guess standing on a cloud while balancing a plate on his head is no biggie.

  F+

  Doug, age 7

  Wow, your dog sure is brave when the pit bull is behind a fence.

  F

  Dorie, age 6

  I guess if I were deaf, a woman with no hands would be more than perfect—she’d be super.

  F+

  Brian, age 7

  If ninja turtles always looked this sad, they would have canceled the show halfway through the opening credits.