I Am Better Than Your Kids Read online

  F

  Edgar, age 8

  Although Sonic is not a New York cabbie like you’ve drawn him here, I kinda wish he were. I even like his catch phrase: “ok.”

  F+

  Donna, age 14

  Maddox, age 32

  No, your mom isn’t powerful enough to destroy Grendel, even if she uses “reversed” psychology. Here’s how that exchange would go down:

  F

  Margaret, age 8

  Apparently not grammar.

  F

  Shannon, age 8

  You know what, Shannon? Your “baled eagle” is a masterpiece. Let’s go ahead and put it on the U.S. quarter!

  This could happen, Shannon! Either that or you will major in business administration, get knocked up young, and never leave your hometown. Anything is possible!

  F

  Emily, age 7

  Hey, Emily, what color do you think the Green Lantern should be? Here’s a hint: it’s the first word in his name. Here’s another hint: you highlighted it. Give up? It’s the color of this letter:

  F

  Brent, age 6

  Even seemingly simple tasks like posing as a newspaper photographer would be nontrivial with giant wooden arms and claws for hands. Forget the superhero story, I could watch an entire movie just about a guy trying to do things like tie his shoes or make coffee with arms like that.

  F+

  Luke, age 7

  “Oh no! Space Godzlue is barfing on the Washington Monument! This looks like a job for . . . Sowpremon!”

  F

  Lauren, age 7

  Spider-Man does not have buckteeth. And it’s not Spiter-man. You fucked that up seven times. And just for clarity’s sake, you made sure to emphasize that it was not “men spiter.” You are addicted to sucking.

  F

  Many school districts have their classes observe Martin Luther King Jr. Day by discussing the accomplishments of King’s civil rights movement. This includes things like essays, documentaries, and sometimes art. I received a lot of submissions from teachers who asked their kids to write their own “I have a dream” speech inspired by MLK’s famous speech delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Here are a few choice submissions:

  Jill, age 10

  How exactly do you go about giving your life to someone who needs it?

  F

  Lisa, age 10

  When you put a word in quotes the way you did, it means you probably don’t really believe it. That would be like your parents saying, “We ‘love’ you.” Or me saying, “good” job.

  F

  Simone, age 10

  It’s supposed to be “I have a dream,” as in a hope or a vision for the future. Not “I had a dream,” as in the literal dream you had a few nights ago.

  F

  Brett, age 10

  I’m with you on banning violets, because flowers are bullshit. I also like that if you had a say in the number of people dying every year, you’d choose to make it ten instead of zero.

  F+

  Ryan, age 10

  Your transitions are superfluous. Want to know why? Read the next sentence. Because you could simply have said your idea in the space it took to tell me to read the next paragraph. I will tell you why that’s important in the next paragraph.

  Because it shows your reader that you respect his or her time and aren’t a dick.

  F-

  Al, age 10

  You are correct in that almost none of our budget goes toward training the military to protect Los Angeles from “Spetsnaz,” the Russian special forces units that defend the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs. The only war that was fought exclusively to protect California was the Mexican-American War, and they were fighting to protect California from the Americans.

  F

  Hillary, age 10

  I share your dream of keeping the world from harmony. Join me, Hillary:

  F+

  Benny, age 10

  Hey, fuckface, cops aren’t supposed to park their cars however they want. I know you think being a cop gives you special privileges, but parking in the red zone when you aren’t responding to an emergency makes you look like an asshole.

  F-

  Toby, age 10

  The problem with robots trying to stop protesters is that people might want to protest robots having the power to stop protesters. And for the record, no human ever refers to humans collectively as “we humans.” Curious choice of words, Toby. Or should I say, ROBOT? Nice try.

  F-

  Troy, age 9

  I’m sure your teacher appreciates your drawing her like a transvestite hooker.

  F

  Nicholas, age 6

  Well, you got Mrs. Kemp’s gender wrong. But I can’t fault you too much, because you accidentally drew the late Gregory Peck.

  F+

  Rendel, age 5

  You know those tears of joy a mother has when her child makes a gift for her? Sometimes they’re tears of sorrow.

  F

  Steve, age 9

  I haven’t met your dad, but I know he doesn’t look like this. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.

  F

  Rina, age 11

  This whole everything-from-Japan-is-weird-or-cute-or-tentacle-rape thing is starting to make sense. This works on so many levels, and some I’m not even cognizant of yet.

  F+

  Cissy, age 7

  “Hey, Cissy, be a sweetheart and bring Daddy another beer and I’ll teach you how to draw a real woman.” The upsides to having an abusive father are the awesome dark artwork and the boost to the psychiatric industry.

  F

  Zachary, age 6

  What a wonderful way to represent your father and uncle: as two ninja Jews.

  F

  Robert, age 8

  Why not just get a job and buy him something he might actually like instead? Giving is easy. Here, I’ll start:

  F

  Sasha, age 11

  If I received this gift for my retirement, I’d spend a long, lonely night with a gun in my mouth reflecting on my life.

  F-

  Alexis, age 9

  Oh no! Look out: it’s a big pink shark! The biggest threat this shark would pose is the cleaning bill to wash the skid marks from my underwear from laughing so hard.

  F

  Ascheyleighe, age 9

  Maybe instead of zombies, you should be worried about early onset diabetes, because with a name like “Ascheyleighe,” your parents can’t be making too many other smart choices concerning your upbringing.

  F

  Trevor, age 9

  Who wouldn’t be afraid of falling off a cliff and into the mouth of a waiting shark? Oh, yeah, everybody. That’s because it has never happened throughout the entire course of human history.

  F-

  Rachel, age 10

  This got me thinking about the possibility of a vampire becoming obese by feeding on fat people, which is a poignant commentary about obesity in America. I wondered if it was intentional until I noticed the spelling of “vampiers.”

  F-

  Candice, age 9

  Well, I have to admit, Candice, your mom looks like a total bitch.

  F+

  Roger, age 6

  If you’re afraid of “kidnap,” drawing yourself skipping and smiling with a giant exclamation mark isn’t the most effective way of conveying fear. You actually look pretty stoked about “Kidnap!”

  F

  Rob, age 8

  I almost don’t have to grade this because he looks like he’s giving himself an F. But just for good measure:

  F

  Annie, age 10

  How do you know you’ll scream to death if you see a house spider? Has it happened before? No, because you’d be dead.

  F

  Katy, age 8

  What’s puzzling about this is that you draw the distinction between the bees and their stingers. You realize that a bee poses no threat to you without a s
tinger, right? No, of course not. You are eight years old and don’t know anything.

  F

  Paul, age 7

  Agreed. Terrifying.

  F

  Lana, age 8

  Maybe more terrifying than stupid because it has a human face. But maybe more stupid than terrifying because it has a double chin. I can’t decide.

  F

  Shoshanna, age 7

  Zombies in love? Where are their Affliction T-shirts? Heyo!

  F

  Kelly, age 8

  You realize that the probability of being chased by a coyote on any given day is pretty close to zero, and that the probability of a road being built directly into a cliff is actually zero, right? Life is not a Road Runner cartoon.

  F

  David, age 8

  Being afraid of suicide is like being afraid of going on a hike; it doesn’t happen unless you want it to. You won’t just wake up someday on top of a mountain you don’t remember climbing.

  F

  Jr, age 9

  Being afraid of the dark is the first step down the long road of being a career pussy.

  F

  Tyler, age 9

  I would actually pay to see a zombie movie with the line “No! You human-eating craps!”

  F+

  Jason, age 8

  The great North American Hick; known to dwell atop the highest urban skyscrapers. And ah yes, windows. Thank you for labeling them.

  F

  Rhonda, age 10

  Some people hide or cower when they’re scared. You grow tits on your face.

  F

  When kids misbehave in class, a lot of teachers, parents, and substitutes have them write apology letters. Here are the best of the worst:

  Betsie, age 10

  You probably meant to say “spend” instead of “waste” when writing your apology letter, but waste actually works better.

  F+

  Josie, age 10

  This is the best addition to a get well card I’ve ever seen.

  F+

  Adrian, age 9

  Drawing yourself with an exaggerated Italian mustache renders the rest of your letter insincere.

  F

  Bang, age 10

  You don’t know that riding on the back of a dragon is fun, so don’t front. Cool name, though.

  F+

  Shannon, age 11

  “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham, thank you for meeting with me. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the reason I called this parent-teacher conference is because your daughter is a huge asshole.

  That is all.

  Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.”

  F

  Jimmy, age 7

  This is the type of Christmas gift that makes me wish wombs came with gift receipts. It’s a lose/lose/lose. Your parents lose for having had you, you lose for giving a shitty gift, and I lose for having to grade this.

  F

  Pedro, age 8

  This is awesome.

  F+

  Kids love Batman. I don’t know why, because there are lots of superheroes and I don’t think Batman is appreciably cooler than any other, except Superman, who’s the dumbest fucking thing ever, but other than that, nothing. My working theory is that a lot of these kids made these around the time the last Batman movie came out. Whatever the reason, here are some of the best Batman submissions I received:

  Billy, age 7

  Is “Buttman” anything like Batman? Idiot.

  F

  Dude, age 7

  Batman is not a ninja turtle. And your name probably isn’t Dude.

  F

  Jacob, age 7

  Call of Duty is one of the most successful franchises in video-game history, and Batman is one of the most successful franchises in comic books. And yet putting them together seems like a terrible idea. But put them together you did, Jacob. And what do you get? “Call of Bat,” apparently. Not “Call of Duty: New Gotham,” or even “Batman: Duty Calls,” but “Call of Bat.” Good attention to detail by rating it with the scientific notation E10-M.

  F

  Jasmine, age 7

  The man part of Batman is important, and this looks like a girl. If they had a female Batman, they’d call her something else. Oh yeah, they do: Bat Woman. Other egregious errors: she has whiskers like a cat, bird wings, and her name is written partly on her armpit.

  F

  Suraj, age 16

  In this deleted scene from the blockbuster The Dark Knight, Batman savors a wistful moment before proceeding to give Joker a deep shoulder massage. Director Christopher Nolan opted to use an alternate facemask with askew eyebrows, concave right temple and beak-like nose for Batman and a cartoonishly small left hand for Joker.

  F

  Jared, age 3

  Is it rude that I think this child has no future? I hope so!

  F-

  Kyley, age 1

  Not only did someone take the time to date these scribbles, but they kept them around for over a quarter of a century. Crappy children’s artwork is not like wine; it’s not going to improve with age.

  F-

  Chan, age 5

  Wrong.

  F

  Doug, age 6

  Bold choice to not have windows on your cop car. What are you policing? The Sun?

  F

  Vance, age 4

  This is an affront to astronomy, art, earth science, and the police department.

  F

  Theresa, age 6

  Finally, a fire truck that’s made to go up and down hills. And only up and down hills.

  F

  Emily, age 6

  When you spell “know” incorrectly in a sentence that begins with “I know a lot,” it undermines your statement.

  F

  Chloe, age 5

  Nice tits.

  F+

  Justina, age 6

  67% of these labels are lies.

  F

  Adrian, age 4

  Even if you do know a lot about “brfis,” that still doesn’t excuse you for not knowing that the human hand doesn’t have six fingers. It’s one of those facts that you never have an excuse for not knowing because if you forget, you can always glance at your actual hand for a hint.

  F

  Leah, age 5

  No, stupid. Those are skyscrapers.

  F

  Chuck, age 6

  This is so boring it could make women miscarry.

  F-

  Nicole, age 5

  This is normally where you’d read some pervy comment about how hot this would be if you and your sister were older, but I’ve never understood the fascination with lesbian sisters. They’re lesbians, which is hot, but sisters, which is incest. It’s like eating a steak made out of garbage.

  F

  Maryann, age 4

  There are 45 million blind people in the world and one of the leading causes of avoidable blindness is vitamin A deficiency due to malnutrition. You idiots have all the food you can stuff in your fat entitled faces and you still manage to go blind by staring at the fucking sun. This is why they hate us.